There are no words

It's stuff like this that I see daily that makes me just really enjoy this city because, seriously, how do you describe this?

-Lampoon

North Korean ships can be more dangerous than Plaxico Burress

The USS John McCain is, per Fox News (ugh), "positioning itself in case it gets orders to intercept the ship Kang Nam as soon as it leaves the vicinity off the coast of China" so as to, again from Fox (ugh ugh), "intercept [a] North Korean flagged ship suspected of proliferating [nuclear] weapons materials." 

Being the USS John McCain, the citizens of the United States should expect the ship to sink and resurface five times before being captured or fall asleep during a re-run of Dallas.

-Lampoon

PC's aren't all blue screens of death

I almost fell asleep during this until he mentions God being a Dungeon Master then he goes off and tells nerds to shut up and I stopped watching YouTube cats and began paying attention... and, no joke, a cockroach just ran over my foot just now. FML.

Edit: Yes, I am on my front porch. The statue of Barack Obama I am building in the living room out of babyback ribs has yet to attract insects

-Lampoon

My Post Office's advertisements pre-date rotary phones

I have no idea when the last time my local Post Office updated their advertising graphics but apparently it pre-dated replacing illuminated signs' light bulbs and, possibly, man walking on the moon. Would I have it any other way? Absolutely not.

-Lampoon

I don't think the NBA intended for this sort of attention...

It was bound to happen... Someone just needs to CGI Rick James in the background.

-Lampoon

Iran has a problem

To be fair, if Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wasn't exactly a fan of me, I'd be "Ghost like Swayze" too.

- Lampoon

John Mayer really needs to hide in a box for a while

While presumably Twittering during his vasectomy, John Mayer was fortunate enough to officially become that guy at the bar who tries to pick up 40 different girls with the line "Let me can your fart in pickle juice" because out of 1600, one girl HAS to go for it:

"Dear Diary, Day number 382... No luck. Had a muffin though. It was a Wonderland of cranberry and bran. It was a Wonderbran. BRB, Twitter will love that. -John"

-Lampoon